christasquirrel (christasquirrel) wrote in bad_movies,

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Birdemic: Shock and Terror (Or: Oh, hell no)

I will give you a big hint for watching this “film”: rent it on DVD.  Skip right to chapter 8, “the first attack”.  Don’t worry, you have not missed a damn thing. The plot is completely inconsequential to this movie.  I watched the first seven “chapters”, and that is 48 minutes of my life I shall never get back.

I am still mourning their loss.

This is a loose rip off of Alfred Hitchcock’s classic “The Birds”.  It has plot holes you can pilot whole fleets of Star Destroyers through.  It has excessive use of what may or may not be green screen (I couldn’t tell if it was green screen or just plain bad camera usage).  Even Asylum Films at least bothers to make sure the vocal track matches up with the lip movements!  Also, someone needs to start with post-humus apologies to Alfred Hitchcock immediately for this travesty.

That’s right, ducklings… this is not an Asylum Films production!  It’s by… Severin Films?

Now, I believe in things like Global Warming and responsible living and so on… but I don’t believe in beating people over the head with a message.  In fact, I found that to be this movie’s biggest flaw: it tries to be a “message” film.  Give a hoot, don’t pollute!  Give peace a chance (while I point this gun at something…)!

You will hear this repeatedly throughout the film.  The problem is after a while it just loses its meaning as you become either annoyed or just plain numb to the meaning of it all.

Now the “birds” are the only “saving” feature of this film.  I had no idea screen saver Eagles were so vicious!  Or that they sounded like World War II bomber planes when they attacked houses in California.  Or that they all look exactly the same. Also, they have yellow blood which is in fact acid.

Which leads to the question: how are the birds not melting?

I also love magic bullets.  What are magic bullets, you say?  For those of you who don’t know, magic bullets never run out. You can shoot your gun as many times as you like on one clip, but it will never run out of bullets.  If anyone ever finds this store which sells Magic Bullet Clips, please send me the link!  I really want some!

I’m going to be very honest here: I wrote a play once when I was in 9th grade.  It was for an assignment on mythology and it was utter crap.  Then again, I was barely fourteen and I didn’t edit the stupid thing.  I just did it one go because I was a kid who had an assignment to write about Bellerophon and the Chimera.  You know what?  I still did a better job than this piece of drivel.  Then my classmates in English were forced to read that fourteen page piece of gutter trash aloud.  They had no prep time, they just read what my teacher shoved in front of their faces.  They were fourteen(ish).  And guess what?  We all did a better acting job sitting around in a circle on our first read through of Bellerophon’s Bodacious Battle (yeah… I know) in my Ninth Lit Honors Class that day.

So, bite me, Birdemic.  You had $10,000.00.  I had $0.00 when I was fourteen and a bunch of other fourteen year olds to work with.  That’s all I have to say.

No, I am not looking forward to Birdemic 2.

Yes, there is a Birdemic 2.  It was released in April to a few theaters.
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